Words: Paul DesRosiers
Photo: Steve Z
Jan Ullrich, Ivan Basso, and now even 2006 Tour de France Winner, Floyd Landis, have been accused of using illegal drugs to increase their performance. But how do you explain Floyd’s astoundingly average performance on stage 16 where he lost over 10 minutes? Only half the story has been told, that is, until now.
On August 5, 2006 long-time cyclist and amateur racer, Luvender Handle, has admitted to taking substances to impede his performance. “Cookies, brownies, ice cream, I’ve done it all to ensure that I race below my potential,” he confesses to an empty press room in his home. In the past, Luv has covered up his usage, but with all of the recent linkage between performance and substances he felt obliged to come forward. “I just couldn’t live with the lies anymore. After 18 years of local racing and consistent mediocre performances, I knew someone would start asking the right questions. Sooner or later, the truth would have to rise to the surface and reveal itself just like a pan of pound cake.”
Luvender Handle has even confessed to providing baked goods to other racers at high-profile events such as the Tour de Gila in New Mexico.”They would sheepishly walk up to our team car after the race and give me a look. I knew what they wanted, Pepperidge Farms Chocolate Chunk Cookies.” The ‘Chunks’ are known amongst racers to be perfect for self-loathing from a day’s poor performance and ensuring one the next. “Within 10-minutes, you see the results…grins, chuckles, drowsiness, in some cases the chocolate was written all over their faces,” Luv explains.
The substance usage didn’t stop there, however, riders have been known to have a late night dosage. “At the Gila, we would get knocks at our door as late as 8:30pm, 2-3 hours past a winning racer’s bedtime. I knew what they wanted, Skinny Cows, those cruelly named ice cream sandwiches.” Luv goes on to outline how the number of knocks equaled the number of Skinny Cows they wanted. “One, two, even three. If someone wanted three, it was clear that rider was looking to get dropped the next day.”
So why do racers continue to partake in this? For Luv “It’s part addiction, part lack of competition.” Most look at it as an insurance policy. Another racer admitted, “There is simply no other way to guarantee mid-pack finishes. When you load up on sugar, you are lucky to stay awake on the bike let alone risk a podium placing.” Racers looking to evade the pressure and limelight of top-three finishes have discovered a way to ensure they remain pack fodder. Massive quantities of sweets have proven to be a short and long-term solution. Luv weighs in, “If you keep using (baked goods) then there are the obvious weight gains that help you stay behind in the climbs. Although, you have to be careful. Once you reach a normal body weight, other racers will start noticing.”
The amateur racing community can’t just expect fellow racers to follow Luv’s brave lead. “Tests need to be put into place.” Luv implores. “High-fructose levels need to be checked.” Luv is, of course, referencing the cornerstone ingredient of hampered performance, high-fructose corn syrup. “If riders are free to ingest as many sweets as they want, there is no limit to how badly they could do. Monitoring must start locally and work its way internationality.”
The UCI currently seems preoccupied with top riders, but according to Luv the others have been able to hide in the masses. “Six riders dropped out of this years Tour (de France) due to suspicious physiological claims like ‘broken clavicles, open fractures and major contusions’, but no one is digging deeper. I’ll bet you a baker’s dozen that abnormal high-fructose levels were behind this.” If high-fructose testing does become possible, then there is always the risk racers will play the diabetic card and claim their levels are “naturally unstable.”
What is Luv’s fate? Well, now that he is no longer able to artificially tamper with his performance, we will most likely witness a sudden rise in his results. Despite his efforts to maintain anonymity in the peloton, those days may be over. “Without baked goods to keep my body in check, I’m not sure how I’m going to lower my performance. I may soon have to cope with winning.” It’s going to be short and bittersweet road for Luv, and we can only hope his natural inability is enough to keep him off the back.
— Out of the head of Paul DesRosiers
by Steve Z
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